[Pleasantdale Radio News Intro]

Randy: Good morning, Pleasantdale! This is Randall “Randy” Johnson.

Annie: And I’m Annabelle “Annie” Mitchell. We hope you’re having a Pleasant day!

Randy: The top story on everyone's lips – Communists have invaded and brainwashed our townspeople!

Annie: It's not just an episode of Captain Mystery being filmed- it's the real deal!

Randy: That's right, Annie. An unidentified Russian in military uniform carrying an assault rifle was seen to be giving orders to several Communist sympathizers who proceeded to engage the celebrants in savage combat, causing serious injuries. The attack, which began at the neighboring Burger Chef, caused eight townspeople to be hospitalized following the attacks, and three to be killed. Although brave action from several concerned citizens broke up the Communist attack, their leader and several followers retreated into the woods through Buford's Trail.

Other incidents elsewhere in town have brought the total to 34 citizens claiming to have been harmed by Communism, including a Sunshine Dairy truck driver who claims to have received injuries from a customer, a teenage boy who claims Communists stole his car, and a police officer who alleges that he was attacked by a gas station attendant while on duty.

Annie: And let’s not forget, a child falling out of a tree after hiding in it to evade several people he claimed were Communists.

Randy: That ‘attack’ turned out to be just visitors from the People of Decency looking to distribute pamphlets.

(Both chuckle)

Annie: The People of Decency sure are looking out for our children -- if only they knew that. Here’s a word from the People of Decency regarding the latest events.

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PEOPLE OF DECENCY COMMERCIAL BEGIN

Gladys Monroe: Hello, good people of Pleasantdale, this is Gladys Monroe, fellow defender of American values and persecutor of those who would support Communism. As you can see, our town is full of vile and unpleasant influences that must be purged immediately if we are to have any hope of driving off the Communist menace, and our children are the number one target of Communist ideals. Purveyors of filth and mind-corrupting rot be forewarned, your days in this town are numbered.

Comic books, seducers of innocent minds, have been proven by major psychiatrists to promote sex, drugs, violence, and bad language, all weaknesses that the Communist watchdogs can detect and exploit to bring down our citizens. Devil music such as the ‘rock and roll’ played on radio stations and in dance halls joins the stench of cigar smoke and the horrific sound of pinball machines clanging away, distracting our nation’s youth and allowing Communism to overtake them

. We must flush them out now by any means necessary, and remove these subversive influences at once so that these attacks by Communists on American soil will end. Burn your children’s comic books, destroy their records, and report any unusual or illicit activity to the authorities at once!

PEOPLE OF DECENCY COMMERCIAL END

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Randy: Those ladies are certainly concerned about America’s youth. If they can find them. Those young people better not be hiding in the woods, though - local authorities intend to canvas the woods and flush out any sign of Communist agitators, and are conducting aggressive search efforts. Until further notice, the deer hunting season for Pleasantdale is called off, and all citizens are requested to keep themselves and their children away from the woodlands area for the foreseeable future.

Annie: In light of the attack, Mayor Tuttleford has declared a state of emergency in Pleasantdale. All citizens are advised to make sure their personal shelters are stocked, and all efforts are going into properly stocking and managing the town's public shelters to be ready in the event of another attack by the Red Menace.

The New Jersey National Guard is currently operating to contain the area, and no vehicles or individuals will be allowed to travel into or out of the Pleasantdale area until the Communist threat is brought under control and its ringleaders caught.

The Federal Civil Defense Administration has designated Chester Wilson, by confirmation of Mayor Tuttleford, as civil defense coordinator during this emergency situation and recommends all inquiries and reports to their offices regarding potential Communist activities, defense of homestead, and so forth be directed through him.

Randy: (pause) I’m sure many people will have questions for him.

Annie: Indeed, Randy.

Randy: But at least one man has an answer to one burning question - where do you buy the guns to defend your homestead? From Seth Arms, of course!

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SETH ARMS ‘GUNS THAT SAVED THE DAY’ COMMERCIAL START

Gordon Seth: [cheerful] Gordon Seth here, purveyor of Seth Arms - the Arms That Saved The Day at Founder’s Day, and let me tell you one thing straight: American patriotism and firepower will take a Communist’s head clean off and make sure he doesn’t get back up. Our showcase item at Founder’s Day, the Savage 24 rifle / shotgun combination -- that’s a 22-caliber long-rifle over a 12-gauge shotgun, specifically, although we sell the entire Savage line of combination weaponry -- proved itself in the field of Communist dispatchery with flying colors, and I’m going to make you an offer that would do General Patton himself proud. If you bring in your civil defense card, I will be issuing a special package deal on the Savage 24 and its ammunition - 40% off for civil defense workers.

You will be fighting for your lives against Communist soldiers, and I expect that as a fellow civil defense man, you want the best personal defense you can afford while still having enough in your pocket to buy the things you need. Furthermore, Seth Arms will be giving out publications to customers regarding the construction of personal shelters to anyone interested, as well as recommendations on what to put in it, and a 10% discount on all relevant items in the store.

You want to buy a pineapple grenade paperweight, no discount. This is not the time for frivolous purchases, this is the time to stock up and hunker down for a fight with the Commies. All discounts will last until merchandise runs out, first-come-first-serve only, and we reserve the right to limit purchases so that one guy in town doesn’t buy up all the ammo.

Seth Arms: The Arms That Saved The Day. Come get a gun and join the fight against Communism!

SETH ARMS ‘GUNS THAT SAVED THE DAY’ COMMERCIAL END

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Annie: Wow, that’s inspiring. It’s a good thing that Seth Arms is protecting our town. But let’s not forget, it’s not only guns and ammo that will save us from the communist menace. It’s also vigilance, and preparing our shelters.

Randy: And when preparing your shelter, where else can you get a good bargain on shelter supplies? Down at the Grand Union, of course.


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GRAND UNION STOCK UP FOR DEFENSE SALE AD START

Honest Abe: Hello, people of Pleasantdale - this is Abraham Lincoln, asking you to defend the Grand Union, and your lives, against the greatest threat to our homesteads that the country has ever known -- by buying from the ‘Shelter Supply List’ at bargain rates of 20% off! That’s right, citizens, all necessary goods as determined by the Federal Civil Defense Administration as vital to preserving American freedom are on sale at 20% off, and courteous clerks will be happy to help you find the supplies you need to stockpile your own personal shelter from the Communist swarms. And in case that isn’t enough to make you stand and buy for your country, Grand Union is offering a special promotion -- double green stamps on every purchase made that includes at least $5 in ‘Shelter Supplies’! You can’t afford not to stock up - for your freedom, for your future, and for the Glory of the Grand Union!

GRAND UNION STOCK UP FOR DEFENSE SALE AD END

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Randy: We’ll be sure to stock up here at the station, Mr. Lincoln.

Annie: And we won’t wait four score and seven days to do. Prepare today, citizens. There’s no time like the present to get started on your home shelter. The Communist threat is here.

Randy: Now for a bit of bad news for those of you who were planning a moonlit tryst - a mandatory curfew has been announced for 9 PM for all citizens under the age of 18, and 11 PM for all other citizens without a permit; anyone found on the streets between curfew and 5 AM may be arrested and investigated for suspicious activities. Please obey the curfew, as it is for your own protection from the looming threat of Communism and will be lifted as soon as the state of emergency has lifted. Applications for permits due to needs of work, civil defense assignments, and other vital activities necessary for civic function in this time of crisis, must be filed at the City Hall office.

Annie: We’ve already gotten ours, so we can broadcast anytime.

Randy: Yes, we’ve got everything we need here - we’ve even ordered crates of water bottled up at Sunshine Dairy to be stored here to prepare for further attacks. You guessed it, Sunshine Dairy is pitching in to help you stock your shelters.


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SUNSHINE DAIRY ‘BOTTLING MILK - AND NOW WATER’ AD START

Misty: Sunshine Dairy -- fresh from the cow to you [cow mooing]!

Misty: Sunshine Dairy would like to inform citizens that we will be putting two of our bottling machines to use to bottle water for storage in shelters and personal stockpiles. If you would like to order water delivered to you in addition to your usual milk orders, a delivery order form will be given to you along with your normal milk deliveries. Due to the expected impact this will have on demand, delivery times may be later than usual; however, Sunshine Dairy will be hiring temporary delivery drivers to meet the expected increase in demand. We hope that in this time of crisis you understand that all citizens of Pleasantdale are important to us. To order and pick up bulk quantities of water directly, please visit our management office.

Misty: Sunshine Dairy -- fresh from the cow to you [cow mooing]!

SUNSHINE DAIRY ‘BOTTLING MILK - AND NOW WATER’ AD END

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Annie: Water in bottles? What a novel concept! But certainly, a good way to stock up your shelter.

Randy: Just as long as you don’t mix the two up and pour water on your corn flakes.

(Both chuckle)

Randy: We’ve received a report from Pleasantdale Valley Hospital of an unusual incident involving several bodies at the morgue - victims of the Communist attack - who apparently made quite a mess while awaiting an autopsy. We inquired with the hospital, who said they would be disciplining the person who made the initial panicked report, and added that they had brought in an expert to examine the incident, who determined that the body had putrefied and begun to expand due to decomposition within the body before it could be properly examined and autopsied. The resultant explosion resulted in the death of one medical examiner and damage to the morgue itself, and future autopsies will be performed only with the direct oversight of the Pleasantdale coroner until further notice.

Annie: How horrible, yet perfectly natural, Randy. And we must remember to keep our wits about us and not falsely report things.

Randy: Indeed, Annie. There’s no need to panic just because we’re under invasion. Keeping calm is the American Way. Speaking of keeping calm, our weatherman, Tom Solomon has some news for us regarding this week’s weather activities. Tom?

Tom: Thank you, Randy - according to the weather bureau, we’re expecting the weather to remain fair and cool over the course of the week, with a chance of showers by Friday. Don’t forget an umbrella while you’re searching for Communists.

Randy: Thank you, Tom. We now bring you back to your regularly scheduled programming, starting with Magic Moments by Perry Como.

[Pleasantdale Radio News Outro]
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